scattered thoughts

Over the past couple of weeks the Lord has been doing some really intense, deep works in and around me. With this whirlwind of activity I'm feeling a little scattered. I need to process it all and make sense of what the Lord is saying, doing, and asking of me in return. In an effort to get my thoughts collected, here are some of the things that are swirling around in my head...

I really want to desire Jesus more than anything. More than sleep, more than Peppermint Mocha Frappuccinos, more than a clean house, and even more than time to myself. But I'm not there yet, and it is a daily struggle to keep my affections focused on the Lord. The battle is almost tangible and I know that means I'm on the right path.

I have a long way to go in discovering how (and how much) He loves me. I have a very performance-oriented view of love. I need to keep reminding myself that here is nothing I can do (or can't do) that will increase or decrease the love of the Father towards me. 

I am a great pretender. Things are "great" and "fine" when just the opposite is true. I have a really hard time being vulnerable. Pride keeps me from doing and saying a lot of things. Even as I write this, I'm thinking, "What will they think of me for spilling my guts." But, I've purposed to be real so, here it is. Asking for help (even from my husband) is very difficult for me. I need to find out why.

to be continued...