how is it

that I got a little girl that loves everything girly?

At 13 months, she is completely smitten with babydolls

and jewelry

and fixing her hair.

She crawls around most days with a beaded necklace (or three) around her neck.

She feeds and pats and rocks her babydolls like a pro.

Not that I think there's anything wrong with this...at all.
I love that she loves all these things.

It's just that I was so, so different growing up.

Instead of dolls, I loved drawing.

Instead of baubles, I loved books.

There were no frills or lace or pink (gasp!) around me if I could help it.

And now, I have a daughter, who at a very early age
is showing serious signs of girliness.
This is definitely a stretch for me.

God has such a sense of humor!

a little sad

Being pregnant again has landed me in new territory...
the "I have kids close together in age" group of moms.

I mean, Sam was 4 when Ava was born. We had 4 uniterrupted years to experience all things "Sam."
 All the snuggles and cuddles and rocking to sleep,
all the book reading and bath times,
all the outside discoveries on our walks...
my focus was concentrated solely on him.

By the time I got pregnant with Ava, I was ready to experience the whole cycle all over again.
I was looking forward to the extended nursing,
the baby cuddles,
and watching her experience her world of firsts.

But now, in this new territory, I'm feeling a little jilted for her.
By the time Ava is 18 months the new babe will be here.
And there will be very little exclusive "Ava time." 
Already, due to pregnancy hormones, nursing her has almost come to an end.
It makes me sad.
I am cherishing every quiet moment I have with her,
 knowing that all too soon my attention will be divided.

I used to wonder why my sister-in-law (who has 6 munchkins ages 7 and under) tended to baby her little ones for so long.
Now I know.
I kind of feel like I need to make it up to Ava for taking away my undivided attention so soon.

Has anyone else felt like this?

I mean, it's not that I wish I wasn't pregnant.
I am excited for this new life and looking forward to adding a new little one to our family.
I have just been caught off guard by the melancholy feelings that have surfaced in this area.

I guess I should just blame it on the hormones!
What do you think?

moms don't get a day off

Today is my birthday.
Today has also been one of the craziest, busiest (is that a word?) days I've had in a while.

I woke up to see Marko and Sam off to a dr. appt (thanks for letting me sleep in a little, honey!) then got Ava up and ready to go to Preschool Co-op.
But, before heading there I had to run by the store and pick up a few things for the class.
Co-op was a zoo today (read: lots of hyper 3-5 yr olds!) and I was short on patience (for reasons I'll disclose later) making it all the sweeter when I was done. After Co-op I dropped the kids off at home with Marko and ran some more errands that needed to get done today.

On the way to my last stop I got a frantic text from Marko
"Help! Ava has poop all up her back and in her hair!"
Nice.

So home I sped (not literally) to clean up the pooped on floor, while Marko bathed Ava. Marko left and I attempted to take a little time for myself (it is my birthday after all!) but, Sam asked me to read him a book...or 10.
Sigh.

Sure, Buddy. Let's read some books.

And then it hit me.

Mom's don't get a day off.

I mean sure, we can physically leave for a little while and get a much needed break.
But by virtue of being a mom, we are always on call.
Birthdays,
Mother's Day,
Christmas,
Thanksgiving...
on call.

Not that I'm complaining.
I willingly surrendered my "me time" when I signed up to be a mom.
I believe that fulfilling the call as a mom is the greatest thing I can do. Training up little people to love the Lord and become productive members of society is a HUGE task.
And I love a challenge. 

It was just a gentle reminder from the Lord that "there is no greater love than to lay your life down for a brother"...or munchkin.

So, Happy Birthday to me.
And thank you, Lord for all the blessings that this life offers me.
Even the little ones that interrupt "me time." 
And chocolate cake with chocolate chips inside.

feeding on Jesus

I live because of the living Father who sent me; in the same way, anyone who feeds on me will live because of me. 

John 6:57

Awhile back I was listening to a sermon on Jesus being our Food and Drink. And how, in order to receive Life, we must continually be filling ourselves with Him. The Lord brought 1Kings 19:5-9 to mind and showed me this.

no better place

Can you hear the call? 

 Come to me my people, come 

Perhaps you feel like the Prodigal Son...  

longing for home but, afraid of the reception you'll receive  

if you dare to show your face?  

There's no need to be afraid of your Father

 When He sees you

will He frown, 

cross His arms and turn away?

 
When I see you I will run

  What's this? He's running to meet you?! 

 I will be there, I will be there

What comfort is found in His embrace! 

Before you call, I will answer you

  No excuses, no vain promises to do better...

He quiets you with His love and sings a soothing song to your soul. 

 While you still speak, I will hear 

He hears the longings and intentions of your heart,

listens in rapt attention while you pour out your soul.

My ears are turned to the cry of my chosen ones 

 He hears the cry and listens with compassion, 

ready to offer the Love that will banish all fears. 

In my love you can rest in me 

Contentment, peace, calm, rest ...

all found in the arms of your Savior. 

Will you trust Him enough to rest there? 

 For you are my very own 

 Despite your rebellion and stubbornness,

He has an everlasting love for you.

A love that fights for, protects and is jealous over you.

So hold on to the hope you have 

The hope birthed out of the love that's been lavished on you. 

Hope that knows no limits, no restrictions, 

no "If you do '....', He'll love you more." 

 That I would draw you to myself 

 With a love that keeps pursuing and never gives up on you. 

That pulls you in and captivates you. 

 For I will never leave you alone 

 Even in the dark, lonely places 

He is there. 

When you are blinded and disillusioned,

defeated and filled with regret,

He is there.

You are never alone.

I will not forget you, I gather my lambs in my arms

 Even though you wander and stray, 

looking to greener pastures. 

You are always on His mind. 

He will search you out and bring you back.

He will tend to the wounds and bruises,

gently nursing you back to health.

So I will comfort you and carry you close to my heart

Carried by the strong arms of the Good Shepherd.

Held close and secure.

Comforted by His presence.

There is no better place to be.

lyrics by Daphne Rademaker

 

water and perspectives

The theme for this week's RAW(e) photo is water.

After taking a bazillion pictures of water,
and not being satisfied that any of them were
unique enough, 

pretty enough, 

or in any way special.

I finally took an ordinary glass of water

on an ordinary piece of paper

and shot this...

...a thing of beauty (in my humble opinion).

And it got me thinking how I spend so much time and effort trying to be 

unique,

pretty, 

special. 

When all that I need to be is simply, me. 

Because I was perfectly created by my Creator.

And when He looks at me He sees
a thing of beauty.

come as close as you want

This song has been in my head for the past couple of days. 
It is the cry of my heart right now. 
It is the decision to choose life over death.


Come as close as You want,
Consume this heart that longs to burn
I know Your fire can hurt,
But I would be worse here without You

For I was made to dwell with You,
And how I ache until I do

Come and take all these chains
That get in the way of what You want
And as I stand in the flame
Still I will say, “I trust You God!”

Holy God, Take my heart,
Purge with flame and truth!
A holy heart is all I want,
That I may live with You!

-Misty Edwards 

miss me?

Wow...I can't believe it's almost been a week since I last wrote anything. Life here has been kinda crazy lately and it seems like the only time I'm online is when I'm holding Ava (not very conducive for typing) or too brain dead to put together a coherent thought. So here I am, after midnight, posting a few thoughts before my brain turns to jello.

Ready?

Here we go...

First, you must understand that I DO NOT like to keep things just for the sake of keeping them. I do not keep things "just in case we might need it" or because my second-cousin-once-removed gave it to me for my birthday. I have made the mistake (more than once) of selling things in garage sales that I have received as gifts from my husband...much to his pack-rat-ish dismay. Call me heartless, but those are the facts.

That being said, we seem to accumulate "stuff"...toys and misc. household items...faster than I can sort it and dispose of the junk unique and wonderful items that find their way into our home. My son has recently inherited a truck load of LEGOs, board games and various other toys that have started to spill out of every bin and toy chest that we own. At my wit's end, we finally sorted and purged the bins, reigning in the toy madness for at least another month. Tomorrow my mission is to bring all the excess to Goodwill.

We are also overflowing with clothes. With an infant and 4 yr old growing like weeds, I am constantly changing out smaller clothes for bigger ones. The problem? The smaller ones have to go somewhere! I have finally given up on saving anything for future babies and just give everything away as the kids grow out of it. Sigh...my sentimental side is always losing out to my practical side.

So, now that my spring fever has subsided a little, I can concentrate on more important things like blogging , suggesting baby names for MckFlurry, and taking pictures of random things {rolling eyes}.

Speaking of babies, Ava is 6 months old already. How did that happen?? Just yesterday I was bemoaning the fact that I was 14 days overdue! And now, I have a little girl brimming with personality and activity. She is sitting up and clapping, starting some solid foods and truly becoming her own person. Now, if she would just sleep through the night...

Well, it's time for me to greet my pillow before my chick pea calls. But stay tuned, I've got photos and a giveaway coming your way tomorrow. It's good to be back!

empty...

...is what I want to be today.

Empty of my selfishness.

of my own plans.

of an uncaring heart.

of everything that is not of You.

Please come and fill me...

with Your Love,

with Your Compassion,

with Your Life,

with Your Light.

loving and obeying

I came across a journal entry that I wrote several months ago. The truth of it is still ringing in my ears...

Last night I was getting Sam ready for bed and he was not obeying me (for what seemed like the 50th time that day!). Instead of doing what I asked him to do he came up to me, wrapped his arms around my neck and said, 

"I love you soooooo much."

A statement that usually melts my heart, this time it sounded mocking and hollow.

I responded, 

"I love you too, but instead of telling me that you love me, I want you to show me by obeying me."

Instantly the Lord echoed those words in my heart.

"Don't just tell me how much you love Me, I just want you to obey Me."

I thought about how hollow Sam's "I love you" sounded in that situation. And how my own "I love you" must sound to God, when it is not accompanied by obedience.

Because Sam is four, his love for me is immature. It's based mostly on his feelings at the moment. He does whatever feels right- not realizing that a demonstration of true love towards me would be to obey whether he feels like it or not- trusting that what I've asked him to do is in his best interest.

Yet, even in my "maturity" as a child of Christ for over 20 yrs. I too, have an immature love for God sometimes. If I really loved Him with a secure, developed love- and truly understood His love for me- I would obey.

"If you love Me, you will keep My commandments." 

John 14:15 

Lord, please help me to love You. Please open my eyes to see when I'm just giving You lip service instead of truly obeying You. Please deepen my understanding of what it means to love You and to see clearly the love You have for me.

scattered thoughts

Over the past couple of weeks the Lord has been doing some really intense, deep works in and around me. With this whirlwind of activity I'm feeling a little scattered. I need to process it all and make sense of what the Lord is saying, doing, and asking of me in return. In an effort to get my thoughts collected, here are some of the things that are swirling around in my head...

I really want to desire Jesus more than anything. More than sleep, more than Peppermint Mocha Frappuccinos, more than a clean house, and even more than time to myself. But I'm not there yet, and it is a daily struggle to keep my affections focused on the Lord. The battle is almost tangible and I know that means I'm on the right path.

I have a long way to go in discovering how (and how much) He loves me. I have a very performance-oriented view of love. I need to keep reminding myself that here is nothing I can do (or can't do) that will increase or decrease the love of the Father towards me. 

I am a great pretender. Things are "great" and "fine" when just the opposite is true. I have a really hard time being vulnerable. Pride keeps me from doing and saying a lot of things. Even as I write this, I'm thinking, "What will they think of me for spilling my guts." But, I've purposed to be real so, here it is. Asking for help (even from my husband) is very difficult for me. I need to find out why.

to be continued...

pictures with a purpose

Let me be the first to say that I've been kinda indifferent about the whole Haiti situation. It was is so overwhelming that I just can't wrap my head around the devastation. We have a couple of missionary friends that were severely injured in the quake and, apart from praying for them, I've veered away from getting involved because I..just..feel..so..small.

Recently though, I was over at my friend, Amy's blog. She shared a link to Jeremy Cowart's photo blog, Voices of Haiti.

WOW. It is powerful.

Jeremy posts a picture a day of a Haitian person (or family) and asks them, "What do you have to say about all this?" The answers are thought provoking. But more than that, he has offered to sell these photos and give the proceeds towards buying tent-homes for these families.

Buy a print, give a family a temporary home.

This, I can wrap my head around.


{Sigh} I'm feeling better already.    

Please go check Voices Of Haiti out for yourself. You will not regret it.

are you resting?

A note about resting, here.

dear Lisa - part 2

Several days ago (challenged by a blog friend, Sami to journey together back to our First Love) I wrote a letter to myself, from God. In an effort to be completely vulnerable (something I'm working on with fear and trepidation) I have written a letter back to Him here.

losing my balance

When I was 4 yrs old, a neighbor girl, Angie, came over to our house to display her newly acquired cartwheel skills. Being the novice that she was, she fell and then promptly announced to me and my mom that she had lost her balance. Immediately I began looking under pillows and behind chairs, inside cupboards and on top of counters. When my mom asked me what I was doing I said, "Looking for Angie's balance!"

These days I am looking for balance in a different way. It seems like ever since Ava was born I cannot get back into full swing. I try to juggle my time between keeping the house, doing pre-school with my son, running errands, spending quality time with my kids and my man, and sitting at the feet of Jesus (not in that order...hopefully). Not to mention church stuff, family get togethers, pre-school co-op and play-dates. Oh, and blogging. ;O)

The problem is, something always gets dropped. And it's usually not the fun stuff! I let the laundry pile up. I put pre-school off for "one more day." I neglect my husband's physical needs (well, that is fun, but still...), etc. And all the while I'm thinking, "Lisa, get your act together!" 

So, I've been asking the Lord to show me what I can do to find my balance again. And this is what I'm hearing:

God: "Fruit of the Spirit." 

 Me: "Huh?" 

God: "Fruit of the Spirit. You know, love, joy, peace, self control..."

Me: "Ohhh..."

God: "Yep. If you're letting my Spirit control your life you will have the time and energy to accomplish everything I want you to do. And, you won't be wasting your time on things that I don't want you to do. Like spending too much time on the computer. And getting to bed waayyy too late." 

Me: "Okay. But you're gonna have to help me. I am so weak."

God: "I know. And I have fresh grace for you every time you need it. I AM the balance you are looking for."

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives."

Galatians 5:22-25

So, as of this moment, I am making a new commitment to be led by the Spirit in all aspects of my life. Please feel free to hold me accountable (yes, Marko...that means you too!) to being the Spirit-led woman I'm supposed to be.

i am not

I would love to be a make-all-my-food-from-scratch, gardening, super-artistic, perfect-hair, house-always-clean, piano-playing, 3-sizes-smaller, quiet woman.

But I am not.

What I am is a woman that has many flaws and weaknesses. A woman who sometimes buys my son nachos at the Target Cafe for lunch because I'm too lazy to make lunch when we get home. A woman who sometimes throws all the laundry that needs to be folded into my room when guests arrive. A woman who's idea of "making" cheesecake is buying the Jello boxed mix.

And I'm okay with that.

Most days.

Then, I read a blog like The Pioneer Woman or watch my sister-in-law manage 5 kids, keep a clean house, home school and participate in various charitable causes without(seemingly) breaking a sweat. And I obsess for a moment about how I'll never get it together.

And then I remember...I am not them.

What I am is a woman that loves her family. A woman who loves to laugh and play with her children. A woman who loves to make her husband's favorite food, on a weekday, just because. A woman who loves her Lord and is so grateful that He loves me back...

...just for who I am.

today

Today I am..

...tired. This staying up late with an infant every night is kickin' my butt!

...thankful. Thankful for friends who care and family that love me in spite of myself, for my beautiful, wonderful children and husband and the life I get to share with them, for the love of God and His daily reminders that He is near.

...tubby. As in FAT! I have got to stop using breastfeeding as an excuse to eat anything and everything that crosses my path!

...trying to be the best wife and mama that I can be, allowing the Lord to take my weakness and use it for His glory.

...tempted to hire a maid! My house is a wreck and above mentioned infant is not helping the situation! She is totally a mama's baby and, if she's awake she wants be held...by me and only me!